The Naked Truth about Airport Security

Will E SandersI want to discuss something very near and dear to my heart, not to mention my groin. I want to talk about my genitals and your genitals, too — that’s right, I want to take this opportunity to address our genitals. Unless you happen to be some sorta pervert, our genitals are a very private matter to us, and most of us (aside from perverts) have gone to great lengths to keep it that way. Now, it’s all about to change.

I’m talking about the full-body scanners now in place at airports across the country that are ensuring our friendly skies remain that way — apparently at the cost of our boxers, bras and dignity. That’s because these X-ray machines snap XXX-rated photographs of your, let us say, unmentionables. In fact, “genitals” alone has been referenced by the national media more times this week than ever before, the entire Clinton administration notwithstanding, of course.

Although, I do have to admit that a device capable of seeing through clothes is something born straight from my own imagination. With technology’s ushering in of X-ray vision, it’s natural to assume flying cars are just around the corner. And by that time, we won’t concern ourselves with airport nonsense like we do today. Nevertheless, I don’t think Americans will ever warm up to the idea of near-nude public humiliation for transportation reasons, either. That’s a stretch, even for perverts.

Sort of makes me wonder if this pornographic contraption was thoroughly researched and developed correctly. Or did the manufacturers of this XXX-ray machine just assume we would all be totally jazzed about showing off our genitals to everyone all of the sudden? And just in time for Thanksgiving travel plans!

I bet the whole genital thing is a real deal breaker for some people, even for the most veteran of plane passengers. Isn’t flying already bad enough? Besides dealing with that screaming brat kicking the back of your seat, in-flight meals and the guy who insists on sharing your arm rest with you, now guess what? Say cheese, bucko, a complete stranger is photographing your genitals like a nightmare version of school picture day.

So in summation, it you weren’t scared to death of flying before, you should be now.

Apparently, you can opt out of the full-body scanner and submit to an aggressive pat-down. That’s nice to know, because why have your genitals photographed when you can have them groped, right? Honestly, that’s the compromise! Submit to a naked photo or get a pat-down from a stranger.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think this is just an American thing, either. Nope, I think mankind has put forth a pretty stalwart case regarding other people inspecting our private areas. I imagine this spirit holds true across the globe, even those tribes that live all naked-like in the jungle — though they’ve probably never seen a plane before.

Oh, but remember the terrorists? That’s what they’re dangling in front of us as that constant reminder for cooperation. Blowhard politicians and savvy media gadflies protest that giving in, or not giving in, is letting the terrorists win.

Win at what? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was totally unaware that the overall aim of terrorism was to have our private areas photographed. Yes, the terrorists want to catch America with its pants down, but I’m not sure this is what they meant by it. Nor am I convinced Americans will allow this metaphorical wedgie to our rights to stand for much longer.

However, as much as I enjoy the same rights to privacy as my genitalia, I must simply concede that my genitals are not the least bit enthused of potentially getting blown to smithereens by some terrorist. All I’m saying is, there is more than one way to milk a cow besides taking a picture of the udder.

And the ironic thing is, we let anyone walk right into this country, but whoa daddy if you’re an American trying to board a plane. Want to hop the border and face no security measures whatsoever? Yeah, well if you feel like going from Boston to Philadelphia, we’re going to put our paws all over you!

So, the next time you’re heading off to the airport, remember to take your mother’s advice: Make sure you’re wearing a clean pair of underwear or at the very least, underwear.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Chuck Briese, Oak Ridge Now

[avatar user="cbriese" size="thumbnail" align="left"] Chuck Briese has been a resident of South Montgomery County since 1988. He and his lovely and patient wife, Leslie, have six sons, with only one left to finish high school. Chuck has been a Cub Scout leader, a Little League baseball coach, a church youth leader, and a general troublemaker over the course of the past 25 years. He is obsessed with his lawn, and likes restaurants that serve food that fills up the plate. He has a tendency to tilt at windmills, which may explain why he started Oak Ridge Now.

More Posts - Website