Don’t Snore On My Parade

“Honey, you were snoring really loud last night,” alleged my husband.

“That’s impossible,” I said. “I don’t snore.”

“Oh no?”

“No, I would hear it if I snored.”

“You don’t hear it because you are sleeping!” he declared. “Something I was not able to do so well with all that snoring going on.”

“Maybe it was the dog?” I suggested.

“Listen TyranaSNORous Rex,” he said. “The snoring was coming from the body in the bed next to me.  I think after all these years, I can tell the difference between you and the dog.”

I shrugged and disappeared into the bathroom.

Truth be told, I kind of knew I had been snoring. It might have something to do with the fact that I was dreaming I was bowling in a thunderstorm while fireworks were being shot off and men with jackhammers worked nearby.  Or maybe it was the fact that I actually woke up at one point because I heard someone snort. When I realized my husband was not in the bed, it did not leave a lot of other people to blame it on.

I was actually pretty aghast to discover that I might be on my way to becoming my father.  My dad snored so loudly that one time when I was growing up, the neighbors called wildlife control because they thought there was a wounded warthog roaming the streets.  Although I have been informed that my snores sound like a cross between a congested cow and a rusty chainsaw, I had no doubt that I would soon be elevated to warthog status if I didn’t address the problem.

I was pretty sure my snoring was due to the fact that every night I was stuffed up. And I was pretty sure I was stuffed up because our humidifier was on the fritz.  I decided that in the best interest of spousal harmony, I should call in the humidifier repair people.  However, calling for a repairman and actually getting something repaired are two different things. It took four days to get someone to come look at the problem, two hours to determine that it needed a new part, half an hour to determine that the repairman didn’t have the part on the truck, and then another week to get the part in and install it. During that time, I was informed that I snored nine nights, snorted four times, and whistled through my nose twice.

The good news was, by the tenth day, the humidifier was back in action, the bedroom seemed less dry, and I was sure that my night would be snore-free.

The morning after a well-humidified night, I woke up feeling really refreshed and was convinced that my snoring days, or rather nights, were over.

“So,” I said, turning to my husband.  “Did I snore last night?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I couldn’t hear anything over your teeth grinding.”

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Tracy Beckerman

Tracy Beckerman writes the syndicated humor column,LOST IN SUBURBIA® which is carried weekly by the NJN Publishing Group, the North Jersey Media Group, The Mahopac News, and the Gatehouse Media chain. In total, her column is carried by over 400 newspapers and reaches an audience of nearly 3.5 million readers in 25 states. She is also the author of the recently published humor book, “Rebel without a Minivan: Observations on Life in the ‘Burbs,” and is a contributor to a new humor compilation called, “See Mom Run: Side-Splitting Essays from the World’s Most Harried Moms.” Beckerman also writes this daily blog which features her musings on marriage, and motherhood, and offers tips for being a cool mom in the suburbs.

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About Tracy Beckerman

Tracy Beckerman writes the syndicated humor column,LOST IN SUBURBIA® which is carried weekly by the NJN Publishing Group, the North Jersey Media Group, The Mahopac News, and the Gatehouse Media chain. In total, her column is carried by over 400 newspapers and reaches an audience of nearly 3.5 million readers in 25 states.

She is also the author of the recently published humor book, “Rebel without a Minivan: Observations on Life in the ‘Burbs,” and is a contributor to a new humor compilation called, “See Mom Run: Side-Splitting Essays from the World’s Most Harried Moms.” Beckerman also writes this daily blog which features her musings on marriage, and motherhood, and offers tips for being a cool mom in the suburbs.

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