What’s This Thing On My Hand?

We searched for a good photo of a hand with a boil on it, but frankly, they were all too disgusting. So you get the frog. Photo courtesy of Eric Leslie.

For lack of a better term I have this thing on my right hand. I have a hard time describing or diagnosing it, too.

This thing seems way too soft to be a wart. Plus I had a wart once so I am well-versed when it comes to them. Warts resemble cauliflower, have a hard consistency and can make the third-grade especially difficult and embarrassing when they are impossible to hide.

Now when I tell folks about this fleshy bulge they want to see my puzzling projection on my hand so I shove it in their face so close they can smell it. They study it for awhile and tell me it’s a blister of some sort. That’s impossible because the one thing I do know about blisters is they arise out of performing physical work or hard labor, which clearly I don’t have time for.

According to the Internet what I have is nothing but a harmless cyst. I take that with a grain of salt. According to the Internet Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter, Johnny Depp is dead, Obama’s first term has been a resounding success, the moon landing was staged and dogs are better than cats. This growth on my hand might be a lot of things, but it isn’t anything the Internet suggests.

So that must make the culprit a boil then, right? Look, I’m going to level with you here. I’m calling a literary mulligan on this. I haven’t a clue what a boil actually is. All I know is boils are disgusting. Just take my word for it. The last thing you need to be doing is typing “what does a boil look like” into Google. You’ll have nightmares. A boil resembles a sporadic male nipple that has decided to form on a random part of your body.

And those are the big four. If you’re anything like me when something like this happens you run down the checklist. This thing is either a wart, a blister, a cyst or a boil. That’s an important thing to know. Here is a mnemonic device in order to memorize it: Weird Butterflies Crochet Bikinis.

My mother seems to think this thing is a tumor.

“It’z naught ah tuma!” I screamed at her.

“What about a pimple then?”

“Oh yeah, mom, it’s definitely a hand pimple,” I replied sarcastically. “Do you remember how bad I had hand pimples back in high school?”

None of this is the bad part.

Yes, having a mysterious, unexplained and perhaps foreign biological agent growing on my flesh is not the troublesome part for me. The problem is I don’t know what to do about it now.

Do I give it a name? Is that how these sorts of things work?

My gut instinct is to pop it with a needle, but I find poking things with needles generally doesn’t solve problems; it just creates new ones, especially when body parts are involved. It all comes down to that age-old saying first eloquently written by William Shakespeare.

To pop, or not to pop, that is the question.

Another problem I have is people keep telling me home remedies. That wouldn’t be so bad except I keep listening to these morons.

So far today I have poured salt, applied toothpaste and soaked this thing in vinegar. Pouring salt on a wound is never a good idea, toothpaste has only served to speed up its growth and vinegar is a home remedy for many things, including for causing a great source of pain and irritation.

I might as well set a mouse trap off with my hand at this rate.

Or maybe I should go to the doctor, but that will be a gigantic waste of time. All a doctor will do is ask me why this weird growth smells like Aquafresh. Then the doctor will wind up popping this fleshy doohickey on my hand with a needle and bill me.

No, I suspect this job sounds more like a do-it-yourself surgery if you ask me.

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Chuck Briese, Oak Ridge Now

[avatar user="cbriese" size="thumbnail" align="left"] Chuck Briese has been a resident of South Montgomery County since 1988. He and his lovely and patient wife, Leslie, have six sons, with only one left to finish high school. Chuck has been a Cub Scout leader, a Little League baseball coach, a church youth leader, and a general troublemaker over the course of the past 25 years. He is obsessed with his lawn, and likes restaurants that serve food that fills up the plate. He has a tendency to tilt at windmills, which may explain why he started Oak Ridge Now.

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