Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Answers, Finally

Photo courtesy of Madison Guy

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Apparently, if you’re six years old, “to get to the other side” is an acceptable and singularly humorous answer to this age-old question which seems to date from a New York magazine article published around 1850.

The answer may also depend upon whom you ask. So, if some well-known personalities were asked “Why did the chicken cross the road?”, they might respond along these lines:

Dick Cheney: It was fleeing from me. I tried to wing it with my AK-47, but took out the KFC sign half a mile down the road instead.

George W. Bush: I don’t know about things like that – Laura doesn’t let me cross the road alone. But I hope the poor chicken doesn’t misunderestimate the traffic.

Al Gore: I invented the chicken.

Ron Paul: That’s none of our concern. Chickens should be free to cross roads without government intervention.

Sarah Palin: Fry baby, fry!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I don’t know the answer, but I can tell it’s a girlie chicken by the way it walks.

Michael Moore: After being confined, abused, and repressed by capitalistic poultry farmers, the chicken was escaping to freedom, to star in my new movie “Eggo.”

Paris Hilton: Just because I’m, like, umm, gorgeous and an heiress, I still have my own views about chickens and roads. Let me check with my agent to see what I think.

Lindsay Lohan: It crossed? Dang, I must have missed it.

Charlie Sheen: Winging!

David Letterman: And the number one reason the chicken crossed the road – it was fleeing when it saw this week’s CBS ratings.

Dr. Phil: The issue is not why the chicken is crossing, by why we’re enabling it to engage in risky activities.

Samuel L. Jackson: Clearly, this is one dumb mother clucker.

Darth Vader: It was crossing over to the Dark Side. May the sauce be with you.

Bill Gates: In this age, we shouldn’t have to worry about real chickens and potential poultry highway carnage. The next version of Windows will feature an app where a virtual chicken can safely cross simulated roads.

The United Nations: We will send a team of poultry inspectors to the road site in question and determine if a crossing is viable.  Then we will form a committee to determine if the chicken crossing should be internationally sanctioned. This may take 2 or 3 years at which time we will make an unenforceable recommendation.

Woody Allen: I can’t look at chickens. I get the urge to move to Rhode Island.

Superman:  It was my fellow crime fighter Super Chicken, in disguise as Cluck Kent.

Mel Gibson: Bloody chickens! They’re responsible for all the bad eggs in this world.

Martha Stewart: It was trying to escape my crockpot. I wanted it for a recipe I was testing for my new book, “Cooking with Conviction.”

Pat Robertson: Only the good Lord knows. But this is typical of liberal, feminist poultry that are clearly being tempted by the devil to stray from their homes and family. Repent, chicken, or God will appear in the form of a speeding ’86 Buick and strike you down.

Tiger Woods: It was probably scared of me. I used to hit a lot of birdies and eagles.

Kirstie Alley: Because I was chasing it. Why? Three words: Chicken Pot Pie.

William Shatner: “ChicKHAAAAAANNN!!!”

DeForest Kelley: I don’t know, I’m a doctor, not a chicken plucker. Wait! Look out for that car! Oh no… he’s dead, Jim.

Dr. Suess: I do not like chickens on the road I do not like them with a toad I do not like them with green beans I do not like them with collard greens I do not like them in my commode.

Steven Wright: I met this grouchy chicken by the side of the road today. I think it was brooding.

Donald Trump: You’re fried!

Bill O’Reilly: It was walking in my No Spin Zone and I hit it. Stupid chicken! Okay, so the secular, union-loving, veggo, anti-gun totting, pro-choice, global warmer, far left nutjobs have no problem allowing chickens to just wander recklessly across roads. They don’t care what damage it did to my car, ALRIGHT? Oh, so it’s MY fault that the chicken got hit? Get OFF the roads, chickens! And that’s a memo.

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Nick Thomas

Nick Thomas has written for more than 180 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. Nick can be reached at alongtheselines@gmx.com.

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About Nick Thomas

Nick Thomas has written for more than 180 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. Nick can be reached at alongtheselines@gmx.com.

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