My Own Personal Shutdown

congressUsually Washington’s ineptitude enthusiastically inspires me to post glib and uninformed political opinions on social networking sites to better alienate myself from family and perceived friends. But for once our government’s incompetence has actually served to inspire me to evoke hope and change within myself to better this country.

I am of course glibly referring to our federal government’s current impotence, dereliction of duty and apathetic attitude toward winning the hearts and minds of millions.

“Er, uh, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country and do for you, er, uh, ask what you can, er, uh, do for your country.”

Sorry, that’s the best John F. Kennedy impersonation I can do. I’m almost positive it doesn’t translate very well through the written word. I guess it’s one of those “you had to be there” sorts of things.

Given light of the recent shenanigans — yes, it technically qualifies as shenanigans, I’ve even consulted a dictionary to make sure — I feel Mr. Kennedy’s historic quote requires a much-needed tweaking. Maybe something along the lines of: Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for you by refusing to do their job.

Inspired by these recent bureaucratic events I have made a decision. Effective immediately, I am shutting down. Shutting down, like, completely.

Exactly like the federal government.

Normally both vilified political parties in Washington endorse the dependent behaviors of the masses, but here they are quite literally leading by example, and what a fine example they are setting. Both parties are guilty of ironically misunderstanding the sole definition of the word democracy in ways much too serious to describe within this newsprint.

The Will E Sanders Shutdown, or WESS for short, went into effect last midnight in an announcement I made to nobody in particular. Goodbye actual job and personal responsibility. Hello canned, faux Italian pastas and healthy doses of drama-filled daytime television.

Until this shut down is lifted I am going to neglect every personal obligation I have in my life. First to be suspended will be the nasty task of, much like Congress, actually paying my own bills, even taxes. So I threw all of my bills in the trash, which I will refuse to take out under the labor provisions outlined in WESS. (See page 583.)

Yes, the actual WESS bill that I passed is quite voluminous and chalk full of weird and unnecessary provisions. Strange things like intentionally taking an hour to cook minute rice, preparing meals for my cats and eating their dry food instead, and handing out last year’s leftover Halloween candy this year for Halloween.

In addition, I will be undergoing more relaxed opinions regarding hygiene, showering, properly dressing myself and sometimes secretly using the sink as a toilet until my own personal shut down is terminated. Household chores are simply out of the question. My grass can grow until next spring for all I care.

Under this personal shut down I will not allow my wife the option of choosing which shows on television to watch. I will choose for her. I am a man and she is a woman. Heredity demands that I tell others what is best for them and knowing what is best for others — just like how it is in Washington.

Plus, I will fall back on a false sense of pride, misguided philosophy and an undeserved arrogance. I will spend the entire day sitting cross-legged in the corner sucking my thumb like a temperamental child throwing a temper tantrum at Toys R Us.

Until the cable company shuts off my Internet for non-payment I will espouse my judgmental and misinformed political opinions on Facebook and Twitter. I will post links to New York Times articles that I’ve only read the first three paragraphs of in a hollow attempt to validate my low self-worth and faltering intelligence.

So if you need me, I’ll be sleeping on the couch until this thing blows over.

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Chuck Briese, Oak Ridge Now

[avatar user="cbriese" size="thumbnail" align="left"] Chuck Briese has been a resident of South Montgomery County since 1988. He and his lovely and patient wife, Leslie, have six sons, with only one left to finish high school. Chuck has been a Cub Scout leader, a Little League baseball coach, a church youth leader, and a general troublemaker over the course of the past 25 years. He is obsessed with his lawn, and likes restaurants that serve food that fills up the plate. He has a tendency to tilt at windmills, which may explain why he started Oak Ridge Now.

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