If I had to put my money where my mouth is I would have to say the best food of all time is the chicken nugget. If I was stranded on a deserted desert island and I could only bring one thing with me it would be chicken nuggets.
This year the ultimate personification of the nugget — the McNugget — quietly celebrated its 30th anniversary amid little if any fanfare and mass media coverage. Normally this would be a wonderful birthday celebration to behold, but a bunch of pencil neck geeks from the University of Mississippi recently conducted research into the anatomy of the average drive-thru nugget.
Normally I would have questions regarding why a nugget autopsy was conducted. Except I can’t wrap my head around why there were questions about a nugget’s anatomy to start with. What were they hoping to discover? It’s a nugget. There is no other part of it. That’s what a nugget is. What more do you need to know?
The findings were published in the American Journal of Medicine and mostly consisted of unappetizing propaganda by an anti-nugget majority. The study found fast food chicken nuggets are less than 50 percent chicken. Most nuggets are predominantly made from fat, blood vessels, nerves, skin that lines internal organs, cartilage and pieces of bone (presumably chicken).
Obviously it seems like a public relations nightmare. But honestly, is anyone actually surprised? Nuggets are like hot dogs. I don’t know what is actually in a hot dog, and I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. They taste delicious. That’s all I need to know.
Plus, the chicken nugget is like the innocent little brother of the hot dog, if for no other reason than the nugget isn’t shaped like a large phallic symbol. Nuggets come in unassuming, non-threatening shapes that are not found anywhere else on the planet. One time I found a nugget that was shaped like Texas. I didn’t know whether to eat it or shove it in a formaldehyde jar.
Maybe it’s because I am a spiteful individual, but I want to eat more chicken nuggets now than I ever have before. Boy howdy, I can wolf down some nuggets, let me tell you. I’m like a starved dog around chicken nuggets. I am the kind of guy you need to keep a close eye on if you are eating chicken nuggets around me.
Animal activists were pleased with the study’s findings because they live in a world where they actually believe humans will stop eating chickens. How cute, huh? I don’t get why some people care so much about chickens. Chickens have the personality of an artichoke and are as dumb as a box of rocks. In fact, my scientific studies have concluded that most stalks of broccoli exhibit a vastly higher intellect than those bird brains. Chickens aren’t good at anything. The only thing a chicken excels at is being delicious in bite-size nugget form.
Chickens are worthless because nearly every animal on Earth has evaded humans from rounding them up and transmuting them into nugget form. That’s why you have never had a gorilla nugget before. Do you think things like sharks and scorpions would tolerate such nugget buffoonery? Of course not!
Other animals have to look at the way we treat and eat chickens as a blessing. As long as we are gleefully consuming chicken — and more specifically, the nuggets they spawn — the less time we spend eating other wildlife. Because in a world with mass produced and easily accessible mystery meat, things like ground hogs, river otters and run-of-the-mill house cats sleep easier at night.
So my taste buds will remain indiscriminate toward the contents of the average chicken nugget because I know there are many other fast food mainstays that are much, much worse.
If you ask me, someone needs to dissect a chicken strip sometime. It’s hard telling what gross things are in those.