It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if The Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon-flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn’t naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise.
Merchants are whining that more money could have been spent celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Baby Jesus, but perhaps Christian consumers got hip to their little mark-down games and are poised for the post-holiday sales, which in the tradition of modern retailing creep were being pushed before Santa flew south. Thinking five years is the over/under before the sanctity of Christmas performs the same dark death-dive Thanksgiving took this year.
But to insure that some traditions don’t get inadvertently tossed out with the ribbons, wrapping paper and littlest nephew, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T FOR 2013 for people who maybe didn’t find the presents they truly deserved under the tree.
For Chris Christie: the cape and tights necessary to save the Republican Party from itself.
For Dennis Rodman: some sort of force field that prevents Kim Jong Un from referring to him as “my favorite uncle.”
For medical science to study: Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Barack Obama’s spine.
For the City of Toronto: a handshake with Lorne Michaels to star Mayor Rob Ford in “The Chris Farley Story.”
For former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: a testosterone reduction.
For Vice President Joe Biden: the vial containing Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone. Or 5-gallon drum.
For the Vatican: another Pope. What the hell? Look at all the positive publicity they’ve produced with two.
For the Republic of South Sudan: the discovery that there is no oil.
For Anthony Weiner: a one-way ticket to a deserted South Sea island populated solely by poisonous snakes and sword grasses.
For Vladimir Putin: a pogo stick for when he bounces around the truth.
For Fox News: a cuddly little mascot named Ben Gazee.
For Liz Cheney (whose political ambition caused her to throw her sister under the bus): a round trip ticket on the clue train.
For the NSA: a tracking chip in every American citizen. For our security.
For Republican moderates: a remote control muzzle for Ted Cruz.
For Jay Leno: another network late-night show that will crush NBC in the ratings.
For Edward Snowden: a palate to appreciate borscht and vodka.
For Kanye West: one of those new gold iPhones with all the top divorce lawyers across the country preset into the contacts list.
For Miley Cyrus: an extreme make-over by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
For the NRA: enough .357 Magnums with armor-piercing explosive bullets to hand out to every school teacher in the country.
For American school children: Kevlar uniforms.
For Justin Bieber: well-deserved obscurity.
For the people of Texas: a state-wide time out; to stop and think before executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor.