February 22, 2012

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Dear Margo: When a Teen Needs to Grab the Reins

March 19, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: I’m a 16-year-old girl with no life of my own. I live with my mom, her boyfriend and my 3-year-old brother in a two-bedroom apartment. My mom is on a bunch of meds for depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and diabetes. She sleeps a lot, so I end up taking care of my brother most of the time. He has even started calling me mommy. I come home from school and have to fix supper and clean the apartment because my little brother has trashed the place all day. I have started applying to different colleges because I want to be a nurse.

My problem is that my mom won’t take me to visit any colleges, and she won’t agree to anyone else taking me. I feel like she wants to keep me trapped here forever. I am not allowed to go anywhere with friends or to have a normal teenager’s life. I wanted to get a summer job to earn money for school, but I was told no. I don’t want to have kids of my own because I have already been a mom to my little brother. How can I make my mom see that I am feeling suffocated? — Hopeless Teen in Ohio

Dear Hope: You don’t need me to tell you that what is going on at home is not good for you and most unfair. You will not make your mother see anything, but here are possible ways to improve things.

Because you describe no social life at all, if you’ve made a good friend at school whose family might let you live with them until you graduate, that would be good. (This happens more than people think.) And because you are not able to visit colleges, I would ask the guidance counselor how to proceed — perhaps with an appended letter outlining the reasons for being unable to visit. I worry about your little brother, too. Unless your mother’s boyfriend is a solid guy, you might have to involve the department of child services. I wish you luck, and I predict a better future. — Margo, hopefully

 

Treat a Disagreement as Just Another Subject

Dear Margo: My girlfriend and I communicate very well. The only thing we don’t do well is fight. We both prefer to avoid conflict and confrontation. Of course, we have differences and disagreements. I am wondering how we can get to be as good at talking about our differences as we are at talking about everything else. — Wanting To Improve

Dear Want: Let me just say this: A relationship in which there’s conflict avoidance is far preferable to the neurotic couples whose common bond is going at it — and each other.

There is such a thing as “good fighting.” It is essentially fair fighting, and it involves dealing with the issue without personalizing things. It involves rational discourse, not hollering, and it requires that you stick to the subject. That is, if you’re differing about domestic chores, stay away from side issues, such as throwing in, “And I never liked your sister!” I do think you are wise to want to find a way to work out differences. Just stay on the topic as two grownups trying to iron out a difference of opinion. — Margo, peacefully

 

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When You Don’t Owe a Child Free Rein

March 15, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: Our daughter got a job at a local pizza place when she was 16. She is now 17 and a senior in high school. While working there, she met a 29-year-old man we’ve come to find has been convicted on two drug charges, an assault charge and a theft charge. While lying to us about her relationship, as well as his age, we’ve now found out she had a sexual relationship with this person for a year and a half. I filed charges and had him arrested. Both admitted the inappropriate relationship to the police, and the trial is scheduled.

The problem I am having is that she is “in love” with this person and wants to have a relationship with him again. They made a “plan” to wait until she is 21 and almost finished with college to try it again. Until then, she is supposed to see other people so that she will know what she wants. I have told her that as long as her father and I are responsible for her, she will have nothing more to do with him, and I refuse to drop the charges. Her father is ready to kick her to the curb when she turns 18, but I cannot find it in me to turn her away. Am I doing the right thing? — Stressed to the Limit

Dear Stress: Encourage her “plan” to wait until she’s 21 and well into college life. In the next four years, if she can’t come up with a better love interest than someone who’s 13 years older with a rap sheet, then there’s nothing to be done. If she sticks to the bargain, things are in your favor — well, really in her favor. You and your husband would be doing the right thing by using tough love (the curb thing) if she doesn’t uphold her end of the bargain. — Margo, watchfully

Dear Margo: I am 47, the mother of three great kids, with a wonderful husband. Now that my kids are older, I’ve decided to pursue the career I always wanted: nursing. I was accepted into a nursing program, and it turned out that I was able to get financial aid to help pay for it. I couldn’t be happier that I have been given this amazing opportunity.

The problem? I had every intention of keeping my job as a teacher’s aide at a high school in another town, but after attending a few of the nursing classes and speaking with the career counselor, I realized the workload would be too much and I needed to choose one or the other. I chose nursing. I knew it was last minute, so I offered to work until a replacement was found, but they accepted my resignation “effective immediately.”

Now my former colleagues, who I thought were my friends, will not call me back. I have called and sent e-mails and Facebook messages asking how they are doing, but I have yet to receive an answer. Needless to say, I am heartbroken. My husband says there is nothing more I can do and I should just let it go, but I am struggling with this, feeling both guilty and sad. — Future Nurse

Dear Fu: I hope you can bag feeling guilty, because you have not only chosen a noble profession, but it was your dream. Being a teacher’s aide, in your situation, would not give you the satisfaction that nursing would. People are allowed to change jobs. The short notice is unfortunate, but there you are. The colleagues, alas, were not really friends, and your husband is correct. I find it rather unattractive that the people at school could not see the big picture and be happy for you. — Margo, fulfillingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

 

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No Need For Delicacy Here

March 8, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: My elder sister is 62, and her hubby (to whom she’s been married for 40 years) is now 68. My sister’s family has had a rough life because of my brother-in-law’s unsuccessful attempts to make it as an entrepreneur. They’ve had financial dealings with all the family, and because of that, some of my sister’s relationships have been strained, mostly with the spouses of her husband’s brothers.

Lately, her hubby and one brother’s wife have become very chummy — so chummy that they choose to talk when Sis is not around. Sometimes the phone will ring, and if my sister picks up, the caller hangs up. Then my brother-in-law’s cell phone rings. After exchanging pleasantries, he casually leaves the room and continues the conversation out of earshot. My sister is deeply hurt by this. When confronted, his answer is that the relationship is of a brother-sister type and my sis is being unduly judgmental.

My sister is not concerned that there is physical infidelity, but what about loyalty between husband and wife? Why the need for private conversation if they are discussing spirituality or world politics? Sis has been confiding in our mother, who’s been privy to the sacrifices Sis has made to stand by her hubby through all the financial difficulties. Mother is disgusted with the lack of compassion, if not outrageousness, of my brother-in-law’s behavior. Any suggestions for my sister? — Concerned Sibling.

Dear Con: Hanging up if your sister answers and hubby then continuing the next call in another room is absolutely unacceptable and suggests that perhaps your sister has guessed wrong about any physical infidelity. I suspect your b-i-l’s financial difficulties and feelings of failure have made him susceptible to another woman’s attentions and compliments. I suggest you advise your sister to make a major scene about this. Suggest she tell her husband that she does not like the way this is playing out, and that he can cool his “brother-sister type relationship” or she will have to reconsider her husband-wife type relationship. — Margo, absolutely

 

Pets, Rights and the Law

Dear Margo: I read your advice to the tenant whose building does not allow pets, but she wants a dog because it makes her feel better. If she wasn’t permitted to get a dog, you suggested a cat. My question to you: Are you kidding me? As a landlord, allow me to enlighten you.

1) The security deposit is typically equal to one month’s rent. One month’s rent would not begin to cover the costs of replacing and repairing floors and carpets caused by “accidents” or the rent lost while I’m repairing an empty apartment.

2) I am, like many other people, allergic to cats. I would not be able to enter my own apartment if there was ever a cat present. I can often sense it the minute I open the door of someone’s house. That’s because my lungs begin to close down. Am I supposed to incur the costs of a top-to-bottom cleaning of the apartment so a future tenant with allergies can move in?

3) What about the tenants next door? Are they supposed to put up with the barking all the time?

4) Maybe you can explain to me why renters insist on having animals. Very few landlords allow them for the reasons I mentioned above. I cannot tell you how many people sign up for my apartments and at the last minute ask, “Is it OK if I have two German shepherds?” The person who wrote to you should wait until her/his lease expires and find a place that allows pets. — Landlord

Dear Land: Your letter, for me, is an unusual follow up. I don’t usually monkey with them because they are mostly from people who just don’t agree. (I also don’t like them and find them boring.) Your letter, however, rationally states “the other side” and will help many people understand the “no pets” rule. — Margo, informatively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

 

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Yet Another Adoption Dilemma

March 5, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: Ten years ago, my husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy from a teenage girl, “Anna.” The three of us, plus her boyfriend, “Kyle,” agreed to keep in contact to allow the two of them and “Ethan” to have a relationship. While I had certain misgivings at the time, it really has worked out wonderfully. Anna and Kyle, who are now married, visit every few months, and Ethan considers them a favorite aunt and uncle. The problems I worried about have not come up: They’ve never tried to take Ethan from us; he’s never been upset about being adopted; my husband and I have never worried about our place in his life. Ethan understands that Anna and Kyle actually had him but couldn’t take care of him, and that my husband and I are his parents. There had never been any real confusion or hurt feelings among the five of us — until now.

Recently, Anna announced that she is pregnant. Ethan became upset about why they would give him up but not their soon-to-be child. My husband and I have tried to explain to him that they were not in a position to be parents when he was born, but they’re ready now. He won’t listen and keeps insisting that everyone just likes the new baby better. The four of us have discussed this, and we cannot come up with a solution. My husband suggested that maybe Anna and Kyle should stop coming around as often, but it seems that would make Ethan feel even more unloved and abandoned. What do you suggest? — Worried Mother

Dear Wor: If Ethan is 10, he is not a “little kid,” and the situation he finds himself in is a little like sibling rivalry squared. Because you say his birth parents visit every few months, the contact is not terribly frequent. One thing that might be useful is that when the new baby comes, Anna and Kyle bring him or her over and make Ethan feel that this is his baby, too. In a best-case scenario, he will feel a brotherly regard for the baby.

If you feel he is obsessing, perhaps introduce a child specialist into the situation. I have never been sure about keeping birth parents in the picture, but you absolutely did the right thing telling Ethan he was adopted. — Margo, hopefully

Dear Margo: My wife sleeps with her two beloved dogs — sometimes on the bottom bunk in one of our two sons’ rooms, sometimes on the couch. She says she would sleep with me if I let the dogs join us in our bed, but I find them bothersome. Am I wrong in not accepting this compromise? — Getting Used To Sleeping Alone

Dear Get: It depends on how important it is to you to sleep with your wife. If you are allergic (which doesn’t seem likely) or simply don’t like the idea of livestock in the bed, you are not wrong. However, I know so many couples who do allow the dog(s) to sleep with them, I am wondering what your reasoning is. I also don’t know your definition of “bothersome.” Do the dogs try to play at 3 a.m. or lick your face at dawn? (I also don’t know how large these hounds are.)

Your wife seems to have taken quite a strong stand on the issue, but it’s not clear to me what her point is. Is she saying she prefers the dogs to you? Is she trying to get you to love the dogs as much as she does?

I suggest giving it a try, to show good faith, and if they do actually interfere with your sleep, perhaps your wife will return your good faith effort. — Margo, drowsily

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

 

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When Granny Is a One-Woman Bonnie and Clyde

March 1, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: Where to begin? My mother has stolen money from all of my family members. Most of us had decreased contact with her over the years, especially me, since I’m the only one who lives out of state. The final straw came when she recently stole $1600 from a bank account she opened for my sister. When did she do this? While my sister was in a psych ward due to severe depression and a history of cutting — caused by my mother’s behavior over the years. Now we have all cut off contact.

My sister now lives with my aunt, and while I am perfectly happy not speaking to my mother again, I have a 2-year-old son who is her only grandchild. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw her, and my instinct is to keep my son away from her. She asked for his Social Security number when he was born, saying it was to set up a savings account for him. I told her to do it in her name and she could give him the money when he’s older. That was the last I heard of it.

Between the childhood neglect, the stolen money and the constant evictions throughout my childhood, I obviously have a lot of resentment toward my mother. I don’t know if my anger is clouding my judgment, but I can’t think of a good reason for my son to see her. — “Glenda”

Dear Glen: I can’t think of a good reason, either. This is a woman who has been destructive and toward whom you have justified anger. I cannot imagine your child learning anything of value from her. And I honestly think that no grandma is better than a thieving one who has been harmful to you and your sibs. And she would probably filch his Lego blocks. — Margo, guiltlessly

Dear Margo: I have a complicated and frustrating situation, and everyone I talk to tells me a different way to handle it. So here goes.

I was seeing a guy about six years ago; we will call him “John.” I met my husband while I was seeing John; we’ll call him “Dan.” I was really torn between the two men. I eventually chose Dan and stopped seeing John. Then, when Dan and I split up for a while, I told John, but it was too late. He had already started dating someone else. It broke my heart.

Dan and I got back together, eventually married and now have two young children. We fight all the time, and there’s pretty much no sex life. We’ve been seeing a counselor, and it doesn’t seem to be working.

Recently, I ran into John, who is no longer with his girlfriend. He expressed to me that if he had known how I felt, he would have broken it off with the other woman. It kills me to know that all this time things could have been different. Nothing has happened between us, but we talk. I don’t think I could ever have any kind of affair. I feel like I need to try harder with my husband, mostly because of the kids. But don’t I ever get to be happy? — Unsure

Dear Un: You are wise to incline toward the view that an affair is not the answer. Often it just multiplies the problems. I would suggest you give the marriage more time (set a limit in your mind). If things don’t improve, then I would end it, and your heart’s desire might still be around and he might not. I am not in favor of living one’s life in misery, and a rotten marriage does nothing for kids. — Margo, rationally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

 

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Riesling Soup? Really?

February 26, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: I am a 27-year-old graduate student in the Northeast. On holidays, I go home to spend time with my parents and two sisters. They are in the South, where the majority of the town is conservative and religious. My father is a church deacon, and part of this commitment involves a vow not to touch alcohol. He has always been afraid of liquor, in part because he had an uncle who was an alcoholic and could not keep a job.

My parents know that my sisters and I drink socially. For a while, this was a source of conflict in the family, but finally, they adjusted. I never drink in front of them, and our family has always used sparkling grape juice for toasts and holidays. Everything seemed fine, until recently.

Over the past year, my older sister has made a point of serving alcohol at family gatherings. A year ago at Thanksgiving, she tried to serve wine to my parents and their friends, one of whom is also a deacon. It was very awkward, as no one would accept, but she was being extremely pushy. This year at Christmas, she brought home a bottle of Riesling to put in a soup and wanted to serve it with the meal. This was at my parents’ house.

My younger sister and I think her behavior is disrespectful to our parents and only serves to stir up tensions that had just started to subside. Is it our place to say something to our sister about her behavior, and if so, what to say? — Alcoholic Awkwardness

Dear Al: It is, indeed, your place to say something, and what I suggest is: “Lay off.” Her aggressive pushing of alcohol is just one step away from someone trying to get a 12-stepper to “just try it” or, worse, sneaking it into food. Alcoholics can get into trouble even with a touch of liqueur in a dessert. While I understand that your parents are abstainers by choice, and not alcohol abusers, your sister is showing quite a bit of hostile pushback for who-knows-what reason. You might ask her why she has made it her project to get everyone to drink, and then tell her to stop it. — Margo, preferentially

Surprises of the Not Great Kind

Dear Margo: A couple of months ago, my sister, “Sarah,” found out by accident that the man on her birth certificate isn’t her father. My grandmother let it slip long ago that she had a suspicion that Sarah was only my half-sister, so this didn’t surprise me. However … it has done a number on Sarah.

She’s met the man who actually fathered her and has also met two half-brothers. She says they are decent people. My question is: Is there anything I can do to help her as she grapples with the shock and other emotions this has caused? She’s only 17 and doesn’t have much of a relationship with our mother. My fiance and I are the only people to whom she’s revealed this information. This changes nothing between the two of us, and I want to be as supportive as I can for her. — Unsure in Arkansas

Dear Un: If it’s possible, perhaps your sister could see a counselor, just to hash out the conflicting emotions. What you can do is reinforce your love for her, reiterating that the new developments change nothing and she is free to forge a bond with the “new” family — or not. You might also tell her that the situation she finds herself in is becoming increasingly common and it’s a plus to know who your biological parents are, if only for health histories. I think she will be fine with some TLC. — Margo, supportively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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Old Children, New Wives

February 21, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: I have a granddaughter, 20, with whom my son has had no contact for the past 17 years of her life! She is a college student and would make anyone proud as a daughter. The problem is, I got her together with her younger siblings, and now my son and daughter-in-law will not speak to me or let me see my younger grandchildren. I fear I may never see them again.

This is not the first time I have let them be together, and my son has known about it. What is so different now is what I can’t understand. The children do love one another. Was I wrong not to let my son know prior to getting them together? They are all my grandchildren. I now see my daughter-in-law as a person with her own interests. All my grandchildren are very close to me. Should I leave this alone and let them sort it out? — Thinking of My Grandchildren

Dear Think: I have no idea what caused the breach with your son and his eldest child, but a good guess would be that his present wife is No. 2, and she would just as soon not have any previous progeny around. I have seen this before, God knows.

Given the situation you describe (and a father who is capable of cutting off a 3-year-old), I would apologize (crossing your fingers behind your back) for having all the kids together, and ask what the problem with that was. If it is now his wish that they not be brought together under your auspices, then promise to see the younger ones separately from the college girl. When they are all older, they can make their own arrangements, and I’ll bet they will always share a bond. I hope this works out for you. — Margo, historically

Dear Margo: My 27-year-old daughter is dating a nice 27-year-old man. They seem to be getting along well, and this could become more permanent. My problem is that the young man calls my husband (my daughter’s stepfather) “Buddy” every time we see them. My husband hates the casual reference. My daughter and I have both asked this young man to call my husband by his first name. He doesn’t see any disrespect in calling him Buddy and doesn’t plan to change. The boyfriend says he refers to everyone as Buddy (young and old) and not one other person has told him they didn’t like it. He says he’s just a friendly guy.

What’s that all about, and are we being old-fashioned? My husband doesn’t want to be around the boyfriend because of this, and it’s making it hard to develop a relationship with someone who could eventually be my son-in-law. — We All Have Names

Dear We: He may well be a friendly guy, but he is also a dim guy. Any young man who is requested to call someone by their proper name and refuses is passive-aggressive — or his gray matter is so limited that he cannot be bothered to remember names.

It may not seem like much, but I think this bodes ill for your daughter’s future with a man who 1) won’t accede to her stepfather’s request and 2) won’t honor her request. If your daughter does not see the warning signs here, tell her to prepare for a future with a man who will always do just as he pleases. He sounds like a jerk to me. In the meantime, ask your husband to go along with the “Buddy” business, if only because he’s the grownup. — Margo, appropriately

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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When Something Is Above Your Pay Grade

February 19, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: I have an ethical dilemma. I work in an industry where many people telecommute, which lends itself to subcontracting work to offshore vendors (e.g., India). Sending work offshore is a very controversial and polarizing issue in the industry. Although there’s a significant cost savings, it’s not unusual for our clients to insist on contracts that prohibit offshoring. My company utilizes offshore labor but keeps it very low profile. I don’t have particular issues with it and actually enjoy getting to know some of my counterparts in other countries. The company, however, calls itself “American based” (true of the corporate headquarters), and while we do not send work offshore when contracts prohibit it, I’ve realized lately that we do come just short of being untruthful about our use of the practice. For example, while interviewing a job candidate, I asked my routine question, “Why are you considering working for us?” and the response was, “I want to work for a company that does not send work overseas, and the recruiter assured me your company does not.”

I am fairly low in the corporate hierarchy and have no input on these decisions. There’s no question that it would cost me my job if I were to tell clients or candidates that we do, in fact, send work offshore. Losing my job would be a financial disaster, and I’m at an age where finding new, equivalent employment would be next to impossible. However, I am increasingly uncomfortable about being party to this lie of omission. Do you think there’s any hope of keeping both my job and a clear conscience? — Increasingly Uncomfortable

Dear Inc: I am sympathetic, but for my own reasons. When speaking to people in other countries, although they speak English, it is not, shall we say, always English-English, and it’s often difficult to understand. I agree that you should not tell a candidate the information that your company apparently wishes to keep quiet. I would, however, go to a superior and say that, in addition to feeling as though you are not being truthful with potential employees, you have realized that because your America-only policy is considered a plus, it would be ruinous if word got out that this was untrue — especially because so many people tell you it is one reason they do business with your company. Whether or not you can make yourself heard, you will have made the effort, which should salve your conscience. You will have tried. — Margo, conscientiously

Dear Margo: I have a weird issue. I have a great girlfriend, but she’s had emotional problems in the past, for which she is getting therapy. While I’m not the cause of these past issues, I am sure she talks about me to her therapist. That’s not the problem. My cousin, who’s my best friend, has also started seeing a therapist. Recently, while giving one of them a ride to the doctor, I discovered that they are seeing the same therapist, and this has me very nervous.

Obviously, I’ve said things in confidence to each of them about the other, and I’m worried they might find out by the therapist’s putting two and two together. Should I go see their shrink and discuss my concerns, or am I overreacting? I can’t tell this to anyone else because I don’t want to reveal that my best friend and my girlfriend are seeing a therapist. — Anxious

Dear Anx: You can relax. Therapists are bound by rules of confidentiality not to say anything to anyone. In addition, they are trained to be objective. Shrinks often, unavoidably, see patients who know each other and encounter acquaintances of patients, especially if they practice in small communities or for an organization with a limited cohort (like the Navy or a university). As for your thought of going to the therapist about your concerns, bag that idea. I doubt s/he would even have that discussion. And P.S. from an old analysand: These days seeing a therapist has no stigma whatsoever and may even be borderline chic. — Margo, calmingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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Dear Margo: Too Much Information

February 15, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: I work in a small department that is part of a big university. There are just 12 of us here, and for the most part, we all get along. There are, however, three individuals who irritate me. One is a man who’s been divorced for years and is always bringing up his dating sex life. The second man discusses his colonoscopy procedure in detail, as well as his wife’s problems with menopause. The third man tells me things such as his not having had a bowel movement in five days.

I have a feeling the other people in the department don’t hear about all this, because no one has so far mentioned it. And I know they would. I, therefore, assume I’m the only target of this flow of personal information. How do I make it clear to these men that I don’t really need to know (and don’t care to know) so much about their private lives? Sometimes I’m so appalled that I don’t know what to say, except “that’s nice” or “that’s too bad.” — Trapped

Dear Trap: Wow. I think I would say, “That’s gross.” If you are a department of 12, you and the three men with no judgment make four. I am wondering whether the other eight are all men, which might explain why you are the designated mother confessor. I don’t know where you got the idea that you have to listen to whatever some people choose to tell you, but it is an incorrect notion. Next time one of these clowns starts in with bowel movements or babes, simply say, “You know what? I find this kind of conversation inappropriate, and you should consider talking either to your physician or a therapist.” Over and out. — Margo, definitively

Dear Margo: I have a co-worker who is impossible to work with. I’ve always been very cordial and treated him with respect. However, he rudely ignores me when I speak to him, and when he does hear me speaking, he always tells me to shut up. When I greet him and say hello, he is hesitant or reluctant to return the greeting. I feel this person doesn’t like me at all and wishes that I didn’t work in the same place. I find the whole thing very strange. What can be done about this? I want this problem resolved peacefully, but I don’t want to confront him or do anything to get him in trouble. — Victimized at the Office

Dear Vic: Why not? He is behaving miserably and making your work life hell. Is there a chance the man is partially deaf? This might account for what you perceive as being rudely ignored. If this is the case, the frustration of not hearing may make him behave like an angry bear. Do others in the office get the same treatment?

If you, alone, are the object of his incivility, I would write him a note (easier than taking him aside) saying you are unaware of anything on your part that would elicit his unfriendliness, but if there is something, you would like to know. And additionally, his ill-tempered comportment is no longer acceptable. Further, say that his behavior requires an explanation — if there is one — and modification because you are not inclined to take guff from a co-worker any longer. If you receive no satisfactory answer, or no answer at all, do go to a superior or HR. Work, after all, is where many of us spend a third of each day, five days a week. — Margo, adamantly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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Dear Margo: Some Father

February 11, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: In May of ’83, when I was 18 and my brothers were 16 and 14, my mother died after a struggle with brain cancer. By July, my father had disposed of all her things, and by September, he had a girlfriend (14 years younger) and was spending all of his free time at her house instead of with my brothers. By Christmas, he had scheduled a wedding for July of ’84 and made plans to sell our house because his girlfriend was uncomfortable knowing our mother had lived there. When my middle brother and I objected to how quickly things were changing, Dad insisted that his happiness was the only thing that counted.

He got married, moved to the neighborhood his wife chose, and forbade us to talk about our mother. I was not allowed to live at the new house during summer vacations from college or to move home even briefly after graduating. I was treated as though my unhappiness with the situation was that of an immature troublemaker, not a grieving child. Since then, I’ve suffered from recurring depression.

I entered therapy and now am much better, except for one thing: I truly hate my father and his wife for the way they treated us, and I hate that my father managed to replace my mother so quickly and then tried to erase her existence. It’s the most honest emotion I’ve had in the past quarter-century. I want to say, “Bleep you and get out of my life.” However, my father will soon be 80, and I wonder if it would be cruel to tell him how I feel and kinder just to keep avoiding him. This situation is making me ill, but I just can’t figure out what to do. — Tied Up in Old Knots

Dear Tied: It is kind of you to consider leveling with your father as “cruelty,” but I invite you to consider his behavior from the time your mother died. I would, by all means, avoid him and what’s-her-name … who was likely behind his wish to erase your mother. And not letting the three of you speak of her — or come to what was your only home — is simply inexcusable. Along with your avoidance, I would write him (or them) a letter saying his behavior has been unconscionable and only now are you strong enough to consider yourself estranged from the two of them. As you can infer, I do not think age is a get-out-of-jail-free card. — Margo, appallingly

Cad in Camouflage

Dear Margo: I spent nine months waiting for a man to return from Iraq. He told me he was to be stationed in my hometown. When he got here to attend drill sergeant school, we spent as much time together as possible. The day before graduation in June, he told me he would rather go back to war than see me anymore — and this he did via text message. This man met my two boys and talked about marriage and having children with me. I found out via Facebook that he is married and now lives in Missouri. Please advise me on how to move on from the anger and resentment I feel toward him. — Madder than a Hornet

Dear Mad: Perhaps start with a punching bag. That guy sounds like a four-door louse. You don’t say whether he was married when all the romancing was going on, or if he found this woman and then made her his version of “going back to war.” And perhaps there’s no way for you to know. If he was, in fact, married when you struck up the band, then he was just entertaining himself, and you were the entertainment.

As for moving on, simply review the duplicity, the using, the dishonesty, treachery and lack of integrity, and understand that you dodged a bullet with the departure of this skunk. (And breaking it off via text was classy, too.) Realizing that you are one lucky girl to have been removed from this road show will just sharpen your judgment. Do not beat yourself up. This is one of those cases where it really is him and not you. — Margo, forwardly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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