Dear Margo

Dear Margo: Two Fathers, Two Mothers, Wedding in the Middle

February 5, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate 1 Comment

Dear Margo: Fifteen years ago, my mother had an affair and my parents divorced. Both are remarried, and I love my stepmother. In fact, I call her “my bonus mom.” But my stepfather is verbally and physically abusive of my mom. My sibs and I have tried on numerous occasions to remove her from the situation, but it never works. We have also tried to get along with him out of respect for my mother and her decision, but recently everything has changed.

My mother is in the process of suing my father for a litany of reasons, all of which stem from her husband. When my siblings or I have tried talking to our mother about this, Stepfather has grabbed the phone and said horrible things about my father and us. The court date is tentatively scheduled for two weeks after my wedding, by my father is trying to get it bumped up so that all this can hopefully be settled and everyone can try to move on. I’m not sure it makes any difference, but I guess that’s another set of issues. I also have strong opinions about the validity of this lawsuit, and let’s just say I do not agree with my mother on this matter.

I have been very clear that Stepfather is not invited to the wedding. Mom has told me that if he can’t come, she won’t come. I’m wrestling with the guilt of not having my own mother at my wedding. Trust me, elopement is on the table, too, but I really do want my family around on this special day. — Almost Married

Dear Al: This is very sad for you, and I am sorry. Your mother is clearly behaving like an abused wife, but she chooses not to deal with that (another sadness).

Regarding your wedding, ordinarily, one spouse cannot be invited without the other, but there are exceptions. Unfortunately your mother is married to one. This man is miserable to her, plus he has put her up to a lawsuit. His presence would, indeed, ruin the day. So if your mother can’t see her way to coming alone, that is her problem and her loss. I hope you don’t elope. I think you are lucky that you have “bonus mom” to act as MOB. — Margo, situationally

Dear Margo: I have a neighbor who is forever asking to borrow stuff: food items, toilet paper, movies, ice packs, money, etc. She doesn’t return anything when she says she will — or doesn’t return it at all! And she also asks me to look after her pets. It just seems to be one thing after the other. When I say no, she says, “Oh, come on, you live right next door.” I have never met anyone so needy in my life, and I am quite a bit older than she is. I am not well and have lots of limitations. Stress just makes my symptoms worse. What is a polite way of letting her know I am done with being her go-to person? — Tired of Being Used

Dear Ti: Because you say you often tell her “no” but she counters with “Oh, come on, you live right next door,” I think you have to put more oomph behind your “no.” Do not let yourself be jerked around.

I hope this falls within the bounds of being polite: Parry her “oh, c’mon” pleas with words of one syllable, saying that because of your lending/borrowing history, you’ve decided that your life will be simpler and more stress free if you both live by the old chestnut: Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Woman up, and do what is best for you. If necessary, remind her that her history as a borrower is not triple-A. — Margo, resolutely

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Dear Margo: Just a Few Well-Chosen Words

February 2, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: I am writing about my big sister, who is a beautiful professional woman in her late 30s. She’s an amazing, generous, successful and brilliant person, and she’s also my best friend. She has been my biggest cheerleader and defender and has gotten me out of more than a few sticky situations. She has always respected my choices, even if they weren’t hers. Now I feel I soon may be in the hot seat as her defender, and I want to do it right.

Her only shortcoming is that she doesn’t have great taste in men, which may be why she is on her third marriage, which seems like it may be on its way to being over. (He is excessively jealous and insecure and is possibly a cheater.) I totally support her divorcing for a third time if she feels it’s the right thing to do. I always try to be the best sister and friend possible.

My question to you is: How do I handle people’s needling remarks about her many marriages when she does divorce again? I am not well equipped to respond to questions like “So what broke up THIS marriage THIS time?” or “So who will No. 4 be?” I would love some advice about responding to these people or, frankly, shutting them up. — Trying To Be a Supportive Little Sister

Dear Try: How nice you are to want to pitch in for your big sister and close down the clods who feel they have to needle you. As it happens, I know something about this subject. As for any remark along the lines of “What happened this time?” you could make it plain you don’t appreciate the question by saying something like, “He wouldn’t pick up his socks.” As for, “Who will No. 4 be?” you might say, “We’re hoping for a heart surgeon.” — Margo, historically

Dear Margo: I consider myself a sane and rational person, but everyone is irrational sometimes, right? My husband and I are in our mid-20s and newly married, and we have a great relationship. There is “Kelly,” though. I absolutely do not think my husband has cheated on me (or would), but I cannot get his relationship with Kelly out of my head. They are just friends — I know they are — but for some reason it bugs me.

Kelly and I were in different social groups in college but had some mutual friends. She always seemed nice and was one of those people I thought I could be friends with, but we never got the chance to know each other. After I met and started dating my husband, I found out they were friends. They’ve stayed in touch since we graduated.

Now he is on a business trip in the area where she lives, and they will be meeting up. I shouldn’t have a problem with this, but I do. Getting to know her better would help, but now she lives far from us, so this is not an option. I know I’m being crazy, and it’s even worse because she seems like a genuinely nice person. How do I stop letting their relationship bother me? Do I tell my husband about my crazy feelings? (I haven’t yet). — Insecure and Temporarily Crazy

Dear In: What you are feeling is free-floating jealousy mixed with insecurity. Everyone gets nutty or irrational ideas at one time or another. The thing you have to tell yourself is that nothing is driving your insecurity except … your insecurity. If this girl had meant anything to your husband, he would have chosen her. It sounds like they didn’t even date. As someone who travels (with a husband who travels), I can tell you that checking in with friends — of either gender — can make a business trip fun. If your new husband has given you no reason to mistrust him, then don’t. (And don’t tell him. That would just introduce another unnecessary element.) — Margo, trustingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Filed Under: Dear Margo Tagged With: Advice, Dating, Dear Margo, Divorce, Margo Howard, Marriage, Relationships

Dear Margo: One Husband, Two Sisters

January 30, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: I have two single sisters in their 30s who text, call and e-mail my husband of five years. They contact him to cry on his shoulder about relationship issues, personal problems and various other dramas. They don’t contact me about their issues. I have asked them to stop, as their contact is inappropriate, but to no avail. My husband does not see the harm in giving them advice. I am not comfortable with this situation, and I don’t know what to say to either my husband or my sisters. What should I do about my sisters’ problems? — Ticked

Dear Tick: Maybe tell the girls to send them to me? I would be interested in why you are uncomfortable with this contact. Could it be that it rankles because you are excluded? This would be standard operating procedure in many families. Maybe their troubles all have to do with men, and a male POV is wanted. What is interesting is that your husband doesn’t mind being a shoulder to cry on, and the implication is that you think the girls are perhaps making a play for him. I think the adjustment might have to come from you, since 1) your sisters are ignoring your instructions to lay off and 2) your husband doesn’t feel it’s an imposition. — Margo, adjustably

Dear Margo: I have an aunt and two cousins I’ve always cared about and enjoyed seeing. For the past six years, my aunt has been angry with my siblings, my mother and me for not being more involved with her mother (my mother’s mother). I am 28 years old and barely know this woman. She’s now a bit senile (at 82), but never really spent time with us as we were growing up. She lived several hours away and was never overly affectionate or grandmotherly.

Anyway, my aunt ended up moving her down here and is now angry with all of us for not always visiting or running errands for Grandma. She lives in a very nice retirement community and has access to almost everything she needs. My aunt hasn’t spoken to us in quite a while, and my cousins (ages 20 and 16) are following her lead. I am tired of her hostility toward us for not being more involved or not “loving” Grandma enough. (It’s hard to love someone you barely know!) I wish they would stop trying to control our actions by cutting us out of their lives.

I feel that the way I interact with Grandma is my business, and I think they should respect my decision to not pursue a “deeper” relationship with her. I guess I want to know if I should suck it up and give in to the emotional blackmail or stand my ground and have the relationship I feel appropriate with my grandma. — PO’d yet Sad in the Midwest

Dear P.: I am wondering where your mother is in all this. After all, it’s her mother, too. In any case, I think a sit-down or a long letter is in order to the aunt who seems to be making all the decisions. You might point out that it was her choice, alone, to move Grandma, and that the retirement community sounds reliable. I would think it impossible to develop any relationship with someone who was always distant and chilly, especially now that her mind is failing. I don’t think your aunt should make a unilateral decision, assign chores and then cut people off who don’t see it her way, but there you are. Given what you say, even a repaired relationship would be strained. — Margo, regrettably

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Filed Under: Dear Margo Tagged With: Aunt, Dear Margo, Family, Grandparent, Husband, Interpersonal relationship, Margo Howard, Relationships, Sibling

Dear Margo: With Friends Like These…

January 26, 2011 By Margo Howard, Creators Syndicate Leave a Comment

Dear Margo: I’m getting married in a few months to a wonderful guy. We had an engagement party a few weeks ago. I invited all of our friends and family to celebrate. The issue I am having is with one of my friends. I invited her to the party and saw a different side of her. She had a lot to drink, and her behavior was the worst. She was very hurtful in many ways. She started telling people at the party personal things about my sisters and me, how she should be maid of honor, etc. She made everyone uncomfortable.

It took me a few weeks of not talking to her before I could confront her. I told her she drank way too much and said a lot of hurtful things. I told her the truth. She then said she will be unable to be a bridesmaid and unable to make my wedding. At that point, I decided I really didn’t want to be her friend. Here’s the question: She’s started asking me if I want to hang out and has asked me to do her favors. I have declined, telling her I’m busy. But really, what is the best way to handle this? — Tanya

Dear Tan: The best way is directly. You can’t be busy forever. The friendship has been tarnished, to say the least, so pretending otherwise is kind of pointless. This person turned out to be an unpleasant drunk and withdrew as a bridesmaid because she wanted to be the No. 1 bridesmaid. It seems to me this girl is not wrapped real tight, so I would tell her, the next time she calls to hang out or to ask a favor, that not everything is meant to last, and, unhappily, your former friendship is in that category. Over and out. — Margo, decisively

Dear Margo: A couple of years ago, my elderly parents attended a graduation open house at my cousin’s. While they were saying goodbye in the driveway, my cousin’s large dog and the neighbor’s large dog were running around rambunctiously and knocked my mom to the ground, breaking her shoulder. My parents are not rich (or even marginally comfortable), and my mom had to quit her part-time job for a very painful recovery. She will never have full use of her arm and shoulder again.

During her recovery, my sister reached out to my cousin and very nicely asked for her homeowners insurance information to help pay for the medical bills and loss of income. She appeared to completely understand the concern and readily gave the info, from which my parents eventually received a small settlement to help defray the costs. A few months later, my cousin’s parents (Dad’s sister and brother-in-law) didn’t show up for his 80th birthday party. That weighed heavily on him, so my dad called his b-i-l. He was told that his sister is furious with our family for “suing” our cousin. My dad and his sister have always been close, and I know this rift is really hurting him and my mom. So my questions are: Did we do the wrong thing? Is there any hope for reconciliation? How can things be made right? — Sad for Dad

Dear Sad: What is called for here is some education and an understanding of homeowners insurance. The spirit of the thing is that your mother’s injury happened at the home of your cousin (because of her dog mixing it up with the neighbor’s dog). This is why people have homeowners insurance, so that when there is an injury on their property, it is their insurance that kicks in. It is in no way the equivalent of suing someone; they are already covered for such a situation.

Ask your cousin to explain to her dad (who I am guessing is elderly, as well) that there was nothing personal in it, and in fact, if the insurance money hadn’t covered the necessary treatment and losses, a genuine lawsuit could have been filed. It wasn’t. — Margo, rationally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers‘ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.